slurryyyy

So I went to her show last night. Four words: BEST FUCKING SHOW EVER. I always heard she puts on a good show but seriously, last night was INSANE. I'm gonna try and go again. She's in Australia till August! That is just unbelievable. :D So, as of Tuesday, I will be in debt to the bank so my plan is, to borrow money off the parents, not buy any smokes and not buy ANYTHING for at least a month. Haha. Stupid work hasnt given me shifts and won't be giving me shifts because of placement. It's all really bad timing. Damn. But I will find a way. Especially cos I'm gonna be going with Christina.

So, Christina is back in my life and I didn't realise how much I missed her until now. Two years ago, I was so focused on being heartbroken that I didn't really realise what I'd be missing out on when I left her life, but things have changed now. I think I can handle myself now. She's still the same person I fell in love with back then and I love that when we both just started talking again, it was as if there wasn't two years of silence between us. And it's only now that I realised that no matter what happens or happened, I will ALWAYS love her because she is my better half. Always has been. The year I spent without her, I just felt so empty and it always felt like something was missing. I can honestly say that there wasn't a day gone by that I didn't think about her in that year. It sounds so lame and mushy but I can't help it. I realised that I still have strong feelings for her and I think I always will, but I don't think i'll act on them. As much as I want to, I think it's safer not to. I'm more than content just being her friend and I dont ever want that to change again.

Past few weeks have been pretty average. It's disappointing to see how I lack in effort to keep this updated, but then again, I do have a bad memory.

During the holidays, i've become very close to Caroline and Cardia from TAFE which is a good thing and I do love them with all my heart. School has been the same. Home has been the same. Work has been the same. But somehow I always wind up in my room with my mind ticking away like a time-bomb waiting to explode with thoughts and emotions. It's hard to differentiate fact to assumptions in my head. It's funny how something so simple and little like a joke or a look could get me so worked up. It might cos i'm insecure. It might be cos i'm scared. Either way, many things have been passing through my mind lately.

I was sitting in my car today, driving along and I couldn't help but notice everyone in their cars, living their own lives and thinking their own thoughts. I can't hel but think about what goes on in there life and all the secrets they're keeping, cos no amount of lying or denial can ever hide the fact that everyone has secrets. I find it fascinating trying to figure out a person by their expressions, walk, body language, style, posture and composure and decode what kind of person they could be. Society itself never cease to amaze me. Just looking at people already in my life makes me wonder if there's any hope and security for anyone. It doesn't matter how many times a significant other may say "I love you" cos the other person will constantly be wondering if they mean it. Subconsciously, or not. I've always believed that humility and insecurities are what defines a person. Pick anyone randomly and it's evident. It makes me wonder about those teenagers who feel it necessary to use a profanity in every sentence. Males usually. Are they swearing to make themselves look big and tough? Do they boast about what they have to make themselves feel appreciated and respected by their peers? And for what? To be praised by a bunch of people who probably doesn't care about what kind of car he has, or what kind of girl he bedded on the weekend. I don't understand the mentality of males to feel the need to show off to their peers. Life isn't a competition against others, it's about getting through the challenges of living it. They may act big and tough and like they're the best thing that's been put on God's green Earth in front of their friends, but what happens when the curtains close and the audience have left? What do they think about when they're lying in bed, wide awake at night? Everybody is insecure and scared of being alone. It's just a matter of how much you have of it. I believe that every single person in this world has crawled into their bed thinking about their life and is scared shitless of losing their family, friends and everyone else who surrounds them. Sometimes this insecurity could change them. Like the boys I mentioned earlier. I believe they choose to behave in a crude and disrespectful manner with their profanities and rudeness towards other people because they are all insecure. They most likely just want to be accepted by their peers and subconsciously forces themselves to behave a certain way to impress everyone around them, and feed off the respect and admiration that his peers give to him., making it harder and harder to pull away from that way of behaving in fear of being shunned away.

I've also been thinking about how ignorant society can be. Everyone is so worked up over certain stereotypes, prejudice and discrimination agains others, but secretly we are guilty of having done all those things and more. Every teenager out there believes they ae different and refuse to judge others and treat and look at each other with respect, but can anyone in this entire world honestly they say NEVER judge a random person that walks by? Racism is looked down upon in society, and I'm not encouraging it in this post at all, but can anyone honestly say they're not guilty of one racial remark under their breath, or made a racial joke, or blamed someone's race for someone's actions and/or personality? Then there are much more complex and sensitive issues like homosexuality. Most adults often say that they just want their child to be happy, but most parents to homosexuals often cry and feel disappointed once the truth has revealed itself. If they wanted their child to be happy, then why are they so disappointed that they're reduced to tears? It's because deep down inside, they can't accept the fact that their son/daughter isn't "normal" and is "different" from every other kid out there. If homosexuality was so "accepted" nowadays like they say it is, why is it still a shock to people when they see two men holding hands down the street? Or two women? If it's so "accepted" then i'm pretty sure people won't feel the need to turn their heads back twice to get another look and make sure they saw correctly. If it were a man and a woman holding hands down the street, people wouldn't take notice of it at all. It builds up rage inside me for society when I hear someone claiming to be something when really, NOBODY can ever be what they claim. No one is ever going to be accepting, no one is ever going to look at others equally, and EVERYONE will always be judgemental about every little thing possible. Race, gender, sexuality, religion, status, fashion, style, mannerisms, language, EVERYTHING.

So to sum up this entry: THE WORLD SUCKS.

So it's 1.14am and I just came home from driving all around everywhere with Caroline. She is such a doll. I've been going out a fair bit these past few months. I don't know why. Ok, maybe I do know why. I guess it's just to distract myself. I tend to always do this. I get all emo and feel like the world hates me so I  go out a million times with a million different people to prove to myself that someone loves me. Lol. How lame.

School holidays are almost over and I have no idea where and what my assignments are. So much for wanting to change my priorities into academics this year. GOOD ONE ALEI.

I met up with Christina yesterday. First time I've seen her in two years. I guess I figured two years is a long time to hold a grudge on someone I was head over heels with so I sucked it up and got past it all. She hasn't changed one bit. Still that cute, quirky kid who made fun of me cos she couldn't win against anyone else. Lol. I actually kinda missed her. As a friend I mean. As much as everything that happened between us in Year 12 sucked, she was there for me when I asked her to be. I guess we see things differently in two different perspectives. Back then, I saw her as someone who hurt me a lot. Now, I see her as a friend. Which is good. Her mom still loves me which I find quite hilarious. Lol. Especially when i'm terrified of parents. Haha.

I'm going to bed. Picking up Caroline tomorrow morning, bright and early to hunt down a birthday present for Jess. Then Tai is coming over at like, midday for some insane reason. My gosh. I'll never get around to my assignments. Lmao.

I'll never understand them. Why do they ALWAYS have to speak in code? Can't they just say "oh, it was fun, but no thanks."? Instead of saying "Maybe. It's complicated" and making the other think "What the hell does that mean?". Seriously. Time wouldn't be wasted at all. Lol. I could die tomorrow and probs would never figure out what the hell that meant.

ANYWAYS.

I still haven't written anything as of late. It's irritating. You know what else is irritating? Pimples. Grr. There's one like, on my lipline. It probs looks like I have a cold sore or something. Ew. DAMN HORMONES. But I must say, I've been a pretty lucky adolescent. Lol. I hardly got pimples growing up. WHOO. Lol. Finally, something I win at.

I had an ultrasound today. It was the most uncomfortable 3 hours of my life. I starte drinking water at 12. Finished my second bottle by like, 1.30pm. Really needed to pee by 1.45pm. Gave up and peed soon after. Then 10 minutes later, I needed to pee again. So i left class to pee. Drove to Werribee at around 2.30pm while drinking water still to fill up my bladder again. AGAIN, needed to pee while driving. So I raced home and peed. Almost crashed the car trying to drink more water while driving to MDI Radiology. Got there and the lady told me I had to pull down my pants so she could see my bladder. It was so awkward. And the goo was cold. It was like, majorly invading the personal space of my personal space. Hahaha.

2009.

Hmm. What can I say. So far it's been... interestingly odd.

FIrst off, it still feels like 2008 for me. I haven't adapted to the fact that year is now a nine and not an eight. I'm turning 19 this year and I'm gonna be a nurse.  Going into 2009, I thought things were gonna change and are gonna be super rad and that it will make up for the last 7 years of hell I've gone through, but it still hasn't. For the last two years, I spent most of it as a recluse and disappeared off everbody's radar. Now that I'm back in the real world, I don't think I'm handling it too well. I forgot how scary and painful life can be when you let people in your life, or try to bring them closer. Nicole said something to me tonight that really hit me, cos it's so true. She said that it's hard to "love" someone because it hurts more when you lose it. That's probably why I'm so scared of the L word. I'm scared of any form of committment. It's depressing. No wonder why I'm so anti-social.

I was listening to some of my older songs from a few years back and it's also depressing to realise that some things have never changed. I still go unnoticed, I'm still forgotten, I'm still a doormat. All those "uplifting" and "hopeful" songs I wrote at the end of 2007 have turned out to be lies. I didn't "shine" at all. I didn't "let go". I didn't "break away from my chains". Most of the time I still "can't breathe or open my eyes to see". I've still got "a hole in my chest where my happiness used to be". I guess there are some things in life that never change. It doesn't matter how far I go or how different my surroundings may be, I'm STILL going to be the butt of every joke, the easiest target, the doormat.

I fail at life.

man, you've got to love when that happens. you're sitting in your room, with peace and quiet by your side, holding a guitar in one hand and pen in the other and yet nothing near-decent ever comes out of your mouth. it's so frustrating when you're trying to so hard to create something from within but nothing ever feels right enough to put in paper and in song. i have about 3 songs half finished sitting on my bedroom floor and it angers me that i can't finish it. i have about 5 guitar pieces that i can't write music to. gahh.

So it's 2009 and I've conformed into an LJ user. Whoo! I'm stoked. A new year ahead of me and nothing but good things to look forward to this year. After deferring from Univeristy for a semester, I think I'm pretty much ready to learn again. 6 months of not going to school made me crazy. I missed it so much. I was doing a Bachelor degree in Marketing at Victoria University and I found out that it quite isn't for me so I dropped out. My plans for 2009 are now Nursing. I don't know why really. If you ask anyone who knows me well enough, they'll probably laugh because Nursing is not exactly "me" but I've taken a liking to it. The shortage on nurses around the world made me realise that after 4 years of studying my ass off, getting a job will be as easy as taking off a shoe cos everybody is looking for a nurse.

Anyways, in about 2 hours, I'm off to Queensland with the fam for a holiday. I reckon a week up there will do me some good. :) I need this break after such a boring year. Haha. Seriously, the first half of the year was all about school and my part-time job at McDonalds. The second half of the year, was all about THREE part-time jobs. Haha. I worked at my dad's office during the day, rushed off to my old high school and taught afterschool drama in the afternoons. Then rushed off to Toys R Us for the night shift. I got pretty busy and let my social life slip away a bit but it's ok - I eventually found balance.

Hopefully 2009 will be better and more eventful. I've met a couple of new people starting up my job at Toys R Us a couple of months ago and they're pretty cool. School is also another chance to meet new people and experience more things rahter than experiencing a job behind a desk everyday. Lol.

So, to sum up this whole entire entry: I'M PSYCHED.